Newsweak

Articles

The California Aggie's spoof edition for 2005 was entitled "Newsweak" featured a range of articles, including a headlining article about Davis Wiki. The spoof came out on June 8, 2005. The articles were:

• "Sorority girl discusses boyfriend during English class"
• "Davis Wiki launches coup, overthrows ASUCD: Computer nerds show surprising strength in violent assault"
• "Quad preacher converts entire campus"
• "Gunrock arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior: Exact number seduced by UCD mascot still unknown"
• "Increased losses cause rise in binge drinking among athletes: Mostly losers, some winners take part in the debauchery"
• "(Co-ops Bathe) The shower heard 'round the world: In a revolt against traditional hippie-hygiene, Co-ops residents abandon gardening tools and reach for loofahs"
• "Week dedicated to awareness weeks"
• "Places to go: Gorge yourself in Dixion"
• (Editorial) "Decision makes ordering food, writing editorials easier"
• "Big surprise: Aggie demoralizes KDVS in first annual sloshball game"
• "Lil' Jon to lecture about open containers at Mondavi Center: Rap star promises to get students crunk"
• "Resigning: The season's new black. (layercake: Sweeping new trend cuts to senate's inner core)"
• "Registrar adopts new notification system: carrier pigeons. (layercake: Students' only complaint: being shat on)"
• "Local boy pummeled in fire engine accident: Truck malfunction leads to tube sock misfire"
• "New on-campus Amish organization founded: Ritner gives more than good time back to community"
• "Pimp my bike"
• "Muse Magazine leaves The Aggie, wants to be more indie: Weekly insert's headquarters moves to trunk of Caskey's car"

Eric Talevich wrote a couple of stories for the spoof that were cut.

Front Page Story

NEWSWEAK EXCLUSIVE: Davis Wiki launches coup, overthrows ASUCD

layercake: Computer nerds show surprising strength in violent assult

By Matt Jojola and
Daniel Stone
Editors in Briefs

Daviswiki.org, a Davis information website, launched a military offensive at 3:27
Tuesday afternoon, storming the Memorial Union in an attempt to take control of
the ASUCD Senate.

The attach was led by Rev. ChadVanSchoelandt, a prominent Davis Wiki user, and
his posse of Orwellian, fanny pack-wearing vigilantes.

"We're just so sick of the association," VanSchoelandt said as he picked up a
table from the ASUCD Coffee House he later threw at winter election running-mate
KristenBirdsall.  "With the elections over, we had nothing exciting to put on the
Wiki, so we decided to cause our own controversy."

After the walls of the MU were breached by Davis Wiki insurgents, Coho patrons
were reported to have immediately evacuated the building in a scene reminiscent
of the reaction to news that Prince William was single again.

Senators holding office hours on the third floor during the raid raced to attempt
to jam the elevator shafts.  After Davis Wiki co-founder
PhilipNeustrom broke the elevator's computer codes, the vigilantes crowded the
elevators beyond occupancy limits and ravaged the third floor within
minutes.

ASUCD President CaliphAssagai said he was enjoying listening to Enya while
painting a mural in his office when the Davis Wiki group enterred.

"I was just relaxing and painting over [former ASUCD President] KalenGallagher's
mustang when all these fanny packs were thrown at me," Assagai said from a
make-shift war prison in the engineering department.  "I didn't know what to do,
so I just cowered in the corner, yelling for Darnell[Holloway] and Devin[Whitney].
But they didn't come.  No one came.  it was like I was running this school all by
myself."

Assagai expressed interest in continuing to speak with The California Aggie, but
was dragged away by Davis Wiki co-founder MikeIvanov, a self-proclaimed warden of
the prison.

The 12 members of the senate could not be contacted after the assault, though are
reported to be hiding in Sen. RobRoy's car, which he had previously claimed as the
best housing in Davis.

When the attempted coup ended, VanSchoelandt found the original copy of the ASUCD
Consitution, which was ratified in 1996, in Business Manager MarkChampagne's desk.
Witnesses told The Aggie that VanSchoelandt ripped the wordy 500-page document in
half with one pull.

The campus suffered a far-reaching power outage as the result of the offensive.
UCD technicians blame a fuse blowout on hordes of Davis Wiki users who simultaneouly
attempted to upload pictures and edit statistics on the page created for the event.

The Wiki Tank

Should Davis Wiki ever get an armored tank, where could we store such a vehicle so that those in ASUCD and The California Aggie wouldn't find out about it? Or more realistically, keep it out of ASUCD's reach, as they would undoubtedly retrofit it to launch tube socks.

"from the Aggie spoof Newsweak"

• The Hunt Wesson Plant has a lot of open space behind a locked gate.
• Pro: Can store a whole division here.
• Con: Not a lot of buildings to provide cover — you'd need to bring your own camouflage.—And it no longer exists...
• The Unitrans garage can house some tanks
• Pro: Easy to get fuel for CNG tanks. Can mount turrets on El Fuego.
• Con: Unitrans is kinda an ASUCD unit, though they don't interact much. Theoretically someone could tip off Mark Champagne.
• Secret Base under Toomey Field
• Pro: Right next to MU; good attack vector (exits in North Entry Parking Structure)
• Con: Getting Clearance.
• Plenty of open space in Winters
• Pro: No one ever goes to Winters
• Con: No one ever goes to Winters
• In a hangar at University Airport
• Pro: Nice covered facility to upgrade armor
• Con: Tank doesn't actually fly
• Kalen Gallagher's old afro.
• Con: I thought we were attacking ASUCD
• Pro: Can assist in attacking The California Aggie, however.

Comments on the Tank

2005-08-19 16:11:35   Sign me up as tank driver. —SimonFung

2005-08-19 16:55:41   Why not inside the fire station? —ScottRitchie

2005-08-19 17:49:52   What is the length of a tank? Could it fit in the Farmers Market and be covered in camouflaging produce? —JabberWokky

2005-08-19 20:15:00   Hell yes. Or perhaps out at the Equestrian Center... we could use it to deliver hay? —CindySperry

2005-08-20 04:15:32   Ballastic Hay Delivery... "Hay!" ker-fwump —TarZxf

2005-08-20 10:42:52   I want to try parallel-parking that thing downtown. —BlancheNonken

2005-08-20 11:08:37   nothing piques the appetite like a jolt of fear-laced adrenaline... really, it's better for the horses that way! I mean, we'd be conditioning them to believe that military equipment and flying flakes of hay go together... —CindySperry

2005-08-20 14:37:51   There is already lots of stuff besides airplanes out at the Airport, like the Antique Mechanics Club and there are other people who have antique cars in hangars too. —NickSchmalenberger

Comments on Newsweak

Such great advertisement for the wiki. -GeorgeLewis

This is best thing in the world. Anyone have a scanner? —PhilipNeustrom

How did they find out about our plans? —BrentLaabs

Blatant ripoff of most recent spoof. — ArlenAbraham

I read it and noticed that it's kind of close to the truth. BTW, did you all notice how they attributed their quotes? — KenBloom

it would have been funnier if they attributed them: "Blah blah Davis Wiki blah." - ["PersonName"] - ArlenAbraham

I think it was good as-is. A stroke of subtle genius!

["Users/KenBloom"] says that if the ["Aggie"] had done an article with the ordinary ["journalistic writing style"], but pretended to ["link"] things using ["WikiCode"] it would have been best.

This is my new favorite page.